tullycat

Moontime began today. It was preceded by one long cramp, one that doesn't flare and subside but is a constant burn, and I took naps until it faded. One of the corporates here set up a public library as a corporate social responsibility (CSR) initiative, so my city finally has a public library! FINALLY. I can read physical books without buying them. I visited it this morning and borrowed A Curse So Dark And Lonely. Angsty romantasy might be nice to read when I'm hormonal.

The library also sent an email to its members saying they were taking job applications and preferred candidates qualified with an M.A. in English, which I have. So I applied. But a couple of hours later they sent an email saying they were recalling their previous email. So I have no idea whether they're actually hiring or not; I don't know why they would draft a hiring email in the first place if they didn't need to. I asked the tarot whether I'd get the job and drew the Hermit. That's a no, and it's also telling me I will (or should) spend more time living slow and looking inwards.

I'm still not over seeing Taemin live. People have begun uploading the fancams they took of him at the K-town festival in Mumbai, here's a handy playlist! It looks like even the folks at the VIP section were struggling with random uselessly tall Indian men walking to and fro and generally blocking the view and the camera, though. I guess that's the drawback of a festival: a concert would have actual seating areas.

My city is under a cold snap, and I am having to shop for winter clothing like I never have before. I used to make do with full-sleeve thumbhole tees in the winter, but now I'm having to buy heavy-duty hoodies and fleece pants. I think the cold is contributing to me generally burrowing under the sheets and hyperfixating on k-pop all day. Seeing a k-pop boy live contributed to that too, but yeah, that's where I'm at. By the way, you'd think that I'd be hyperfixating on Taemin, but nope, it's Yunho from Ateez.

Historically, the times when I have hyperfixated on k-pop have been the times when I'm depressed, because my brain was in dire need of the input to crank out a smidge of happy chemicals. I came across this helpful reply to someone's ask on a tumblr blog I love (storkmuffin). It talks about hyperfixating on k-pop as healthily as you can manage. It's doubly helpful because the storkmuffin is also hyperfixated on Yunho and speculating on why/how that happened.

I've thought about why it happened for me, and it's because biasing him is like peeling an onion. This is a guy who has carefully crafted his idol persona and he's able to mask/keep up a front indefinitely. More so than other idols, I mean. Like he's exceptionally performative even for an idol, in all on-screen relationships, not just his relationship with fans. His fangirls have collectively agreed that he's manipulative! It's amazing how everyone shares that headcanon of him, and at first I wondered whether my hyperfixation with him is because of the anxiety of knowing he is particularly inauthentic and wanting to somehow get at the truth (I still think that's part of it). Link is to another tumblr ask replied to by storkmuffin, except this time the anonymous asker is me.

But now I think it's more psychological than that. Being seen in relationships makes me feel safe, while hiding makes him feel safe. And that's why he's so fascinating to me. I'm projecting my own childhood onto him, but if he learned (from parental relationships perhaps) that you cannot be yourself and be loved unconditionally, that you have to earn love by performing goodness or good behaviour, that would explain a lot. He's also Catholic, and an idol, and grew up in a society influenced by Confucianism, so there's a lot to speculate with re: why he's so self-repressive.

The premise of a girl who needs to be seen to feel safe and a boy who needs to hide to feel safe would make for a banger of a romance novel. It fits the 'why him specifically? why her specifically?' format of the K-drama School of Romance, which I have analysed to be:
1. Take hero and heroine, make their character 'flaws' (or the thing they need to change in themselves throughout the story) related, his is related to hers and vice versa
2. The character development throughout the story is about overcoming those 'flaws'/inner conflicts or reconciling different perspectives to get the character growth each of them needs
3. The character development of the hero and heroine is not possible if each does not have the other. They are indispensable to each other in this fundamental way

My favourite k-drama (and sometimes other Asian drama) romances follow this format.
My Lovely Liar: Girl who hears a signal when someone lies, assumes the worst reasons for those lies. Meets guy who is in hiding because even his loved ones don't believe his truth. She has trust issues. He isn't trusted by a single person. Girl learns that sometimes people lie for the right reasons, guy learns that there is someone who will actually hear him out and listen to his truth. (I'm a #1 Relator in my CliftonStrengths, and Relators take time to trust people and have a small inner circle, so this plot was catnip for me.)

Intern In My Heart (Thai drama): Emotionally closed-off heroine meets hero who can see people's memories by touching them. Heroine learns that she can be vulnerable and it won't always go badly, actually. Hero learns that his power that he has no control over doesn't make him a creepy monster (spoiler, but there's a point in the show when the heroine tells the hero that his power made her human, and I might have teared up.)

Brewing Love: A guy who's an empath and emotionally intelligent meets a girl who represses everything because she's trying to survive. When they're together, guy realises that being allowed to sit with your feelings (or just take care of yourself) is not a privilege everyone has, and girl realises she can survive better and take care of the people she needs to better if she is kinder to herself.

Anyway, yeah. The premise of a girl who needs to be seen to feel safe and a boy who needs to hide to feel safe would make for a banger of a romance novel. Bears repeating because it's repeating on loop in my head, soooo I'm wondering whether I'll need to write a k-pop book or series at some point after finishing the vampire duology. I have the second book of the vampire duology outlined, but I'm someone who daydreams not just the overarching story but specific scenes, and a lot of my daydreaming is being devoured by Yunho from Ateez. I'm a fantasy and paranormal romance writer though... so perhaps the k-pop hero in the hypothetical future book should be a siren. I'm going to simmer on this for a while, because if I can tie in the paranormal element to the relationship dynamic (or to the character development the hero and heroine will have to go through in relation to each other) that would make for a better story.